Relationship Aren’t Always Easy – So Go The Movies

movie-heartApparently there are four things that kills relationships stone dead according to Professor John Gottman:
– repeated criticism
– lots of expressions of contempt (like sarcasm)
– being defensive
– stonewalling, which is where there is NO communication.

If you’re at the stage where it may not be working (and before you go to therapy or decide to quit), how about agreeing to watch a film together?
I’m not on about the usual ideal, ‘happy ending’, Hollywood blockbuster but something with maybe more substance, where you may learn something about people, relationships and yourself.

A new three-year study finds that divorce rates and break-ups were more than halved by watching movies about relationships and discussing them afterwards.

“You might not be able to get your husband into a couples group, especially when you are happy. But watching a movie together and having a discussion, that’s not so scary. It’s less pathologizing, less stigmatizing.” – Ronald Rogge (the study’s lead author)

After watching the film together, the couple then talk about certain aspects of it, that will reveal what they each think, areas of conflict, possible solutions to work on – and most importantly COMMUNICATION. As if you can talk about the problem, you are on your way to solving it.

Check out the video below and list of films and questions.

It may save your relationship or at least give you some good films to watch :-)

Original Movie List from the Study

A Star Is Born (1954) Mr. Blandings Builds his Dreamhouse (1948)
Judy Garland and James Mason Cary Grant and Myrna Loy
Adam’s Rib (1949) My Favorite Wife (1940)
Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn Irene Dunne and Cary Grant
Anna Karenina (2012) Nina Takes a Lover (1994)
Keira Knightley and Jude Law Laura San Giacomo and Paul Rhys
As Good as it Gets (1997) Nine Months (1995)
Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore
Barefoot in the Par (1967) On Golden Pond (1981)
Robert Redford and Jane Fonda Katharine Hepburn and Henry Fonda
Children of a Lesser God (1986) Pat and Mike (1952)
William Hurt and Marlee Matlin Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn
Days of Wine and Roses (1962) Penny Serenade (1941)
Jack Lemmon and Lee Remick Cary Grant and Irene Dunne
Desk Set (1957) Phffft [Pfft!] (1954)
Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn Judy Holliday and Jack Lemmon
Dying Young (1991) Red Firecracker, Green Firecracker (1994)
Julia Roberts and Campbell Scott Jing Ning and Gang Wu
Fools Rush In (1997) She’s Having a Baby (1988)
Matthew Perry and Salma Hayek Kevin Bacon and Elizabeth McGovern
Forget Paris (1995) Steel Magnolias (1989)
Billy Crystal and Debra Winger Shirley MacLaine and Olympia Dukakis
French Twist (1995) Terms of Endearment (1983)
Patrick Aubrée and Josiane Balasko Shirley MacLaine and Debra Winger
Funny Girl (1968) The Devil’s Advocate (1997)
Barbra Streisand and Omar Sharif Keanu Reeves and Al Pacino
Gone With the Wind (1939) The Egg and I (1947)
Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh Claudette Colbert and Fred MacMurray
Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner (1967) The Male Animal (1942)
Spencer Tracy and Sidney Poitier Henry Fonda and Olivia de Havilland
Hanover Street (1979) The Out of Towners (1970)
Harrison Ford and Lesley-Anne Down Jack Lemon and Sandy Dennis
Husbands and Wives (1992) The Thin Man (1934)
Woody Allen and Mia Farrow William Powell and Myrna Loy
Indecent Proposal (1993) The Way We Were (1973)
Robert Redford and Demi Moore Barbara Streisand and Robert Redford
Jungle Fever (1991) Untamed Heart (1993)
Wesley Snipes and Anna Sciorra Christian Slater and Marisa Tomei
Love Jones (1997) When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)
Larenz Tate and Nia Long Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia
Love Story (1970) Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1966)
Ali MacGraw and Ryan O’Neal Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton
Made for Each Other (1939) With Six You Get Eggroll (1968)
Carol Lombard and Jimmy Stewart Doris Day and Brian Keith
Mississippi Masala (1991) Yours, Mine and Ours (1968)
Denzel Washington and Sarita Choudhury Henry Fonda and Lucille Ball
Move Over, Darling (1963)
Doris Day and James Garner

Additional Movies

American Beauty (1999) Obsessed (2009)
Kevin Spacey and Annette Bening Beyoncé Knowles and Idris Elba
Anger Management (2003) Something’s Gotta Give (2003)
Jack Nicholson and Adam Sandler Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton
Autumn in New York (2000) Surviving Christmas (2004)
Richard Gere and Winona Ryder Ben Affleck and Christina Applegate
Bee Season (2005) Sweet Home Alabama (2002)
Richard Gere and Juliette Binoche Reese Witherspoon and Patrick Dempsey
Before Sunset (2004) Sweet November (2001)
Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron
Blue valentine (2010) Terms of Endearment (1983)
Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams Shirley MacLaine and Debra Winger
Coal Miner’s Daughter (1980) The Five-year Engagement (2012)
Sissy Spacek and Tommy Lee Jones Jason Segel and Emily Blunt
Couples Retreat (2009) The Back-up Plan (2010)
Vince Vaughn and Malin Akerman Jennifer Lopez and Alex O’Loughlin
Crooklyn (1994) The Big Wedding (2013)
Alfre Woodard and Delroy Lindo Robert De Niro and Diane Keaton
Date Night (2010) The Bounty Hunter (2010)
Steve Carell and Tina Fey Jennifer Aniston and Gerald Butler
Deliver Us From Eva (2003) The Break-up (2006)
Gabrielle Union and LL Cool J Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn
Devil Wears Prada (2006) The Campaign (2012)
Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis
The Devil’s Advocate (1997) The Door in the Floor (2004)
Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron Jeff Bridges and Kim Basinger
The Family Man (2000) The Glass House (2001)
Nicolas Cage and Téa Leoni Diane Lane and Leelee Sobieski
Fatal Attraction (1987) The Good Girl (2002)
Michael Douglas and Glenn Close Jennifer Aniston and Jake Gyllenhaal
Father of the bride (1991) The Horse Whisperer (1998)
Steve Martin and Diane Keaton Robert Redford and Kristin Scott Thomas
Fool’s Gold (2008) The Marriage Chronicles (2012)
Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson Jazsmin Lewis and Darrin Dewitt Henson
Four Christmases (2008) The Mirror Has Two Faces (1996)
Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn Barbra Streisand and Jeff Bridges
Her (2013) The Money Pit (1986)
Joaquin Phoenix and Amy Adams Tom Hanks and Shelley Long
Hope Springs (2012) The Notebook (2004)
Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams
It’s Complicated,(2009) The Story of Us (1999)
Meryl Streep and Steve Martin Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer
Julie & Julia (2009) Think Like a Man (2012)
Amy Adams and Meryl Streep Chris Brown and Gabrielle Union
Jumping the Broom (2011) True Lies (1994)
Paula Patton and Laz Alonso Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jamie Lee Curtis
Just Married (2003) Unfaithful (2002)
Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy Richard Gere and Diane Lane
Life as we know it (2010) Waiting to Exhale (1995)
Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel Whitney Houston and Angela Bassett
Longtime Companion (1989) Wanderlust (2012)
Stephen Caffrey and Patrick Cassidy Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd
Love and other drugs (2010) What Lies Beneath (2000)
Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfeiffer
Marley and Me (2008) When a man loves a woman (1994)
Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia
Meet the Fockers (2004) Why did I get married? (2007)
Ben Stiller and Robert De Niro Tyler Perry and Janet Jackson
Monster-in-law (2005) You, Me and Dupre (2006)
Jennifer Lopez and Michael Vartan Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson
Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005) Don Jon (2013)
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Scarlett Johansson
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) Before Midnight (2013)
Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy
The Best Man Holiday (2013) This Is 40 (2012)
Monica Calhoun and Morris Chestnut Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann

After watching the films, the couple then go through a series of questions as follows:

1. What was the main relationship portrayed in the movie? This is the relationship that you will focus on in the following questions.

2. What main problem(s) did this couple face? Are any of these similar to the problems that the two of you have faced or might face as a couple?

3. Did this couple strive to understand each other? Did they tend to accept one another, even if they were very different? Or did the couple tend to attack each others’ differences?
– In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

4. Did the couple have a strong friendship with each other? Were they able to support each other through bad moods, stressful days, and hard times? Did they listen to each other like good friends? Did the couple in the movie do considerate or affectionate things for each other?
– In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

5. How did the couple handle arguments or differences of opinion? Were they able to open up and tell each other how they really felt, or did they tend to just snap at each other with anger? Did they try using humor to keep things from getting nasty? Did it feel like they were really trying to understand each other?
– In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

—————–
Sources:
Article at:
http://www.spring.org.uk/2014/02/10-psychology-studies-every-lover-should-know.php
http://www.spring.org.uk/2013/07/the-four-things-that-kill-a-relationship-stone-dead.php

Dr. Ron Rogge – Associate Professor in the Department of Clinical and Social Sciences in Psychology at the University of Rochester
http://www.courses.rochester.edu/surveys/funk/

Guide To Beating Addiction with Ian Young at Addiction Interventions UK

ian-young-guide-beating-addictionLet me introduce my friend Ian Young.

Ian is an Addiction Specialist and helps people overcome their addictions and improve their lives. Having successfully beaten addiction and become clean and sober himself, he has the experience, understanding and skills to help others through the same journey now.

Having personally had family members suffer from addiction and seeing the effects first hand, I’m committed to helping Ian spread the word and help as many people as possible.

If you know anyone who is dealing addiction, you will know the pain, heart-break and despair that everyone that loves them goes through, along with the suffering addict.

Not only is Ian helping the addict but their entire families and communities in the process as well.
He truly wants to bring about permanent change in the people suffering or struggling with their addictions and for the families who feel trapped, hopeless or lost trying to figure out how to confront the illness.

If you are dealing with an addict, then visit this site and grab yourself Ian’s free new eBook “The Guide to Beating Addiction” that’s written specifically for helping family members living with an alcoholic/addict.www.addictioninterventionsuk.org

This 38 Page guide is packed with tips and advice. It will give you a plan to follow if you or a loved one is suffering from any addiction.

Get it NOW for FREE and help someone start their path to recovery today.

What you will learn:
– How To Get The Right Help
– The 3 signs of an Alcoholic or an Addict
– The Self-Test
– 6 ways to Influence an Alcoholic / Addict to Accept Help
– 10 Tips for Quitting
– Four Helpful Suggestions When Seeking Addiction Help
– Improving Your Chances of Recovery
– What To Do Next

So, please do visit the site and sign up for your free copy, which will then give you the opportunity to connect with Ian directly for a complimentary consultation if that’s required.

I do hope you’ll help us spread the word and bring about positive change and addiction recovery within the UK.
If you know anyone that is an alcoholic/addict or has a problem and may need help, then kindly share this link with them as well: www.addictioninterventionsuk.org

Here’s to helping more families heal and contributing towards even more spiritually based recovering alcoholics and addicts.

Regards,
Bobby

P.S. The link to share on Facebook & Twitter or to email to your friends to help spread the message is: www.addictioninterventionsuk.org

Christmas Gift From 100 Years Ago… Joyeux Noel

Wishing you a Merry Christmas, Joyeux Noel, Buon Natale, Feliz Navidad, Happy Hanukkah
and whatever holiday you may be celebrating around this time.

I just wanted to remind you of something extraordinary that happened 100 years ago…
On Christmas Eve in 1914 during World War 1, the Germans, French and Scottish soldiers on the front-line called an informal and unauthorised truce – with the other men, who they’d tried to kill every day because they were the ‘enemy’.

Original post at:
http://www.bobbygill.co.uk/joyeux-noel-peace-one-day/

be-kind So whilst the News, media and politicians try to shape your mind into seeing differences and being afraid – remember to take the time to remember your similarity to ‘others’, your fellow humans.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

Most of the time that battle is not visible on a battlefield but inside. So don’t judge others as you don’t know what they’ve been through.

Wishing you hope, kindness, understanding and peace for 2015.

Best Wishes,
Bobby :-)

Remember When You Were a Kid and Life Was an Adventure

earth-to-echo-et-flight-of-the-navigator-explorersDo you remember when you were a kid?
Your friends were really your friends… Friendship would last forever…
You’d hang out all day… and Summers were eternal too…
You lived where you did and would do till the end of time… and you were never going to leave the house you grew up in…
Anything out of the ordinary, like a trip through the woods or down a street you’d never been was an Adventure… Just like staying out late after dark or having sleep-overs!
Enough money for a bag of sweets was more than you ever needed…
Where the idea was to stay out as long as possible and not in
When not having a bike would have been worse than today’s equivalent of not having the latest ‘games machine’…
A time when kids were kids and your life was infinite with no end in sight.

 

How times change; you may have even completely forgotten what it was like growing up – until I reminded you just now.

 

Some of you reading will now have kids, so you still get to experience ‘being a kid’ once in a while. Fortunately I get to borrow (and return) my nephews when I want to remind the kid inside me how simple life used to be. We hang out, play, talk nonsense, discuss possibilities of things that are ‘out there’, watch films – even though they think the last Star Wars trilogy is the original and prefer the Lego versions anyway.
Yep, I also admit to watching the latest Disney and Pixar flicks and use them as an excuse.

 

Now, if you’re like me you’ll remember those feeling mentioned earlier and great 80’s films like ET, The Goonies, Stand By Me, Flight Of The Navigator & The Explorers. As kids and young teenagers they were wild rides of the imagination, yet real enough that it could be you.

 

Well I got to watch ‘Earth To Echo’ with the nephews recently and it’s the nearest to all of those films these days, with the memories and feelings you’re likely to get that I mentioned earlier.
It has been updated to modern times, to include camcorders and mobile phones – but these kids are ready to hit the dirt road on their bikes and ride into the night to see how far they can go, rather than hide inside.
Borrow a couple of kids if you have to or just watch it yourself to feed the ‘inner child’.
If you’ve not seen the 80’s films I’ve mentioned earlier, check them out too.

 

Remind yourself how great life used to be and can be again; if you just treat it, once more, like a kid on the ADVENTURE of a lifetime – your lifetime! THIS Lifetime!

 

Let me know when you’ve watched it and what you thought.

Real simple secrets to getting coaching clients that expert don’t tell you!

simplicityBy the way, this started as a short post but turned into a conversation (with myself) so I’d recommend reading to the end if you really want to know the whole truth.

(Sidenote: This took me around 3 hours to write and edit for you, in which time I could have almost authored a book!)

There’s no squeeze box to get these golden nuggets. I was going to share privately or just leave it as another unshared passing ‘genius thought’ in my head – but what’s the point of having a blog if you can’t share the good stuff that will help people!?

Right. Are you sitting comfortably? Then let’s begin.

Having been out of the picture for the last couple of years, due to my own life going to shit (literally), I’m now on the mend and want to start doing what I used to; which is helping people by sharing the energy and love that we have within us.  Then I thought why not just start coaching again!

A not so long time ago (like the beginning of this week), I simply just got started again doing what I love.
And it’s been Awesome so far, as it has also helped me increase my energy, creativity, thoughts and life, whilst giving others what they need/want, which is hope, clarity and help. It also gets me out of my ‘story’ and thinking about my part in their growing stories (a shared vision).

So, a friend asked how I’d managed to get 4 coaching clients this week, like I had a secret strategy.
So I wondered how I could ‘fluff’ it up so he’d believe me (like building the tension in this post now), then I thought to myself “Do I really need to make it sound secret, ground-breaking or amazing?” (Now that is what people have been taught to expect by marketers, salesmen, media and mind manipulators.)  The answer was no, keep it simple and say it as it is.
K.I.S.S. = Keep It Simple Sexy!

The honest and truthful way is often the easiest, by also making it simple as well.
Does someone really need to sell you loads of books, ram it down your throat through a motivational presentation; sell you hundreds/thousands of pounds of products for you to ‘GET’ what the right thing to do in life is?
Do you really need to go to lots of events to find that spark of inspiration that lies within you already, is already lit and waiting to burn brightly?
(I say already lit, as if it wasn’t you’d not be here right now).

The media has confused people intentionally and the real thought leaders pushed aside for trashy pop-stars, celebrities and those that are only famous for being famous (or public screw-ups). The lifestyle and ‘cribs’ of the rich and glamourous (who have been touched up by photoshop to look that way) has been put on view for you to aspire to. Is that really what you (or they) really wanted? You can tell from their behaviour that many are screaming out for help and ‘peace of mind’.

[littleVoice]OK, get back on topic Bobby, everyone loves a good, engaging story but you did have a point didn’t you!?[/littleVoice]

Here’s the simple answer I gave my friend, to the question “how did you get the clients.”
(I will ‘fluff’ it up a little so you get the background as well)

–  I have always been honest, truthful and helped people in the past.
It didn’t matter who it was or why. I’ve had 2 hour conversations with people, where I got the coffee, they got their notebook out and I answered all their questions. At the end they’ve asked, “Oh… and is there anything I can help you with?”  The answer was usually always the same, “I’m good thanks.”  Those people that ‘get’ life, understood. Those that didn’t always felt a little confused and like they’d ‘taken’ from me.
The truth is, I don’t remember the names of a lot of these people and it’s not important, as anything good that happens to you and ‘repayment’ from the Universe comes from right angles. Thanks to Roger Hamilton (creator of wealth dynamics) for that lesson.
To make it clearer – no matter who you help; your repayment, karma, help, will come from another source that is out of your vision at the time.

–  Getting back to this ‘energy’ of giving unconditionally (as mentioned above) is key.

Also having been ‘around the block’ of life, it feels like many times over, I got to learn, grow and help in various areas.  Be it engineering, web design, property investing, stock trading (poorly, it’s not for me), internet marketing, legalese, dealing with corporations, events management, health, fitness etc… Yep, you’re probably thinking you only knew I did one of these things – or ‘none’ of these things as I have a ‘lazy/efficient’ reputation to keep 😉

People ask what I specialise in and what my niche is. Yes, Harry Singha (Youth Coaching Academy) keeps asking what I do; Daniel Priestley discusses KPI (Key Person Of Influence).
Everyone goes on about how to not go an inch deep and a mile wide, but an inch wide and a MILE DEEP in a subject and niche. They are absolutely right (and wrong at the same time). Let me explain, there are many goals in life for people and many ways to get to those goals. You need to pick what works for you.

Well I know who I am and what I do now. I’m a half mile deep ‘Generalist‘.

As a generalist I have knowledge of ‘content‘ (information) and an increased awareness of ‘context‘ (a view of the bigger picture and how the information can be applied in a wider field).
I usually see the end vision of what is possible but I’ll only ‘release’ it a piece at a time in bite sized chunks, whilst sharing a mid-point goal. This helps others see where something is headed without being overwhelmed with what the ‘impossible dream’ at the end could look like.
Dr John Demartini is a great guy to listen to if you ever want your mind massively expanding in a short time-frame!

Being a Leading Learner, I love to learn about everything, life, people, various topics, different subjects. If someone mentions something, I tell them what will help them with their challenge. Most of the time I refer them elsewhere, as my work is done and I save my time to just chill and hang out (I need to do more of that!)
Other times I help out personally and simply synthesise things I’ve learned and help them apply it to their specific problem.
There are times when people discuss a subject I know nothing about – so if I have an interest (I’m generally interested in most things), I’ll go and find out more.

That is why I like reading and editing friends’ manuscripts before print (as I learn more about them, their life and new topics). It doesn’t feel like work but more like ‘educational fun’. Yes I’m a writer (can’t you tell) but not an author yet.
Hey Mindy Gibbins-Klein (The Book Midwife), I’m not trying to put you out of business, I do point people your way as well; to get their book written, properly formatted and published 😉

–  As well as being open and honest about your thoughts and feelings about general topics, also share your personal life with people, the good time, the fun times and (some) of the bad times if you’re feeling up to being vulnerable.

–  By helping, sharing and being this way, three things happen – people get to know you, (may) start to like you and will then even trust you.

This does not need to be ‘engineered’, just be AUTHENTIC!
Be yourself, honest, truthful, let people know your values, character and what you stand for – and always do the right thing whenever possible.
There will then be those that will then get to know the ‘real you’, like you for being yourself and trust you if you’ve shown traits of being a decent, honest, trustworthy human being.
Of course there will be those that dislike you, as your ideas will conflict with their values of hidden dishonesty and corporate mentality – but don’t worry about them, their time will come to change their minds too!

youre-awesomeAlso, there is no competition, absolutely zero competition, for YOUR coaching clients!
Why? Well if you’re authentic and your awesome self, there is nobody like you. If you try to copy others… well you’re just a poor carbon clone.
If YOUR friends read this post, they will still LIKE you more than me.
Mine will have a preference to hang out with me instead.
There is no you -v- me -v- them.
That is a mind parasite planted by those that live in lack.
It just takes a little time to finally accept it but once you do, everyone else is a friend or collaborator.  Do you think Tony Robbins worries about people trying to be him!?

OK, back to my friend’s question…
————-
Their question (verbatim): Care to share your strategy?
My simple answer: I only sent it [application] to a few Facebook friends that expressed interest in coaching. Of the 8 invitations sent, 4 followed through with the application as they know & trust me already.

Yep, that was my simple strategy.
(Backed up by my character, value, integrity etc. that they already knew about)
————–

–  So, to get more (four) clients, I just put it out there (on Facebook) that I was looking to have a conversation with some people and help them with their businesses, no obligation.
I knew (generally speaking) that mainly people that already know, like and trust me would say yes.
They know already that I can help them (somehow), they like me (enough to want to talk to me) and trust me (enough to believe me about the ‘no obligation’).
Around 10 or so people contacted me in total so far and four (maybe five at time of writing) followed through.

–  Make it clear what kind of people you want to work with.
This is what I posted on Facebook, when I still had space for a couple more people:

“I’ve got time for 2 more coaching clients to help you with your business plan. 
If you know, like & trust me already – you will know exactly how I can help you. 
If not contact me for more info and I’ll answer all your questions.
My ideal client has at least one of the following:
1) A published book or a book in progress/being written
2) An existing business or start-up draft business plan ready-to-go (be it shop, internet or property based – but not MLM)
To answer your first questions that come to mind:
a) Is it free? No 
b) Is it affordable? Definitely 
c) Can you quit/cancel at any time? Of course
I’d also prefer applications to be from people that I actually know, like & trust as well (you will know if that applies to you).
If you’re interested and want to get started, contact me right away and send me a PM for more details.
P.S. When I say TWO more places, I mean it. 
I don’t do B.S. marketing/sales pitches or use fake scarcity tactics. 
Keeping it real & authentic :-)

You see how clear it is on what I do want to do and what I don’t?
I also made it clear about the ‘money’ question, as I don’t want to be having people asking about just that or looking for ‘quotes’.
It will also attract those that it resonates with and hopefully get rid of the time-wasters and those looking to just get something for nothing (you know the type).

–  Learn to say NO.
If you don’t think you’ll be able to work with someone, refer them to somebody they will suit.
I also have to be careful, for the sake of my sanity and reputation, that I did not take on anyone that may conflict with the interests of my current clients in any way.
This is only an issue in the ‘property education’ niche at the moment and I appreciate the approach from those that have contacted me so far – this may of course change in the next 6 months if I come up with a mutually beneficial plan for everyone involved.

–  So how did I convince them to stay on as a client?
Well that was easy too, I didn’t try to convince them of anything. What, I hear you say!?
Heck, these are my friends and I would help them for free anyway! I didn’t need them as clients to force my help on them (just kidding, genuine tip: NEVER try to force help on people, they will not like you for it!)
We just had around a 1 hour discussion about what they could do to make changes to their business – various pricing strategies and improvements to what they were already doing well.
I then put a summary together on what they needed to action immediately, what a month’s goals would be and then a longer term stretch goal. They knew most of this but may not have had timeframes on getting these things done.

[image teamwork makes the dream work]
Even the ‘un-coachable’ client was “ready to get it done” after we’d finished talking.
Now why would I take on an ‘un-coachable’ client? Or even worse publicly mention it, in case they read it?
Well they’re just like ME! We are both people that aren’t easy to coach or be told what to do. We may ignore good advice because we ‘know it’ anyway and accept that we can’t be arsed at times. Yet there are other times, when no-one needs to tell us what to do and we will do it anyway (and some) and keep going to make big things happen. Also we know that teamwork makes the dream work. And even if we don’t reach that dream, we’ll get half way there and the journey will be fun.
Once we’d agreed that it was in both our interests to make this happen, we had an outcome we’d work towards – taking out the ‘coaching’ aspect of it.

Also being openly lazy (efficient) – I don’t like to spend more time on ‘work’ than necessary. So I opted for a mentoring model for the coaching, which simply means I won’t try to ‘draw out the answers from them’, there will be times when I just say: “these are my ideas, are we good to go with them or do you want to add something else or do it differently?”

This harks back to my ‘informal’ coaching days, when problems were fixed over a drink/coffee in half an hour, then we could enjoy the rest of our ‘catch up’ and just hang out.  Whoever thought coaching needs to be ‘by the hour’ and billed as such really needs to get out of the employee mindset and be shot! (with some chill-out serum)

Even though I am a Supporter profile and blaze energy, I can run around the Wealth Dynamics profile all day long (see it helps to be a generalist) and as long as I am supporting others, I can do anything in the other quadrants pretty well. If I can’t (or don’t want to) I always know someone who can.

–  Be clear on your ‘value’ and ‘terms’.
We (I) are always thinking we’re not good enough and working our way with self-worth challenges.
I tell my friends/clients and now you as well, value yourself more and others will too. Yep, I’m stepping up as well.
Make things mutually beneficial! Many coaches get into coaching because they want to help people but forget that it(they) should be valued too. Money is the standard form of value exchange we all understand and respect.

It’s not always about the money though. If you can be clear on what terms work best for you, then communicate that and it is still a “win-win” situation when you’re helping someone with their business and to earn more money.

Also a couple of the friends/clients wanted to refer people to me but I had to decline.

Here is the conversation on my genuine reasons why:

Them: “Meanwhile, I may recommend you to some other people along the way who may need a new coach. Nice one”
Me: “OK, sounds good. Let’s see how it goes over the next 4 weeks then. Also please ONLY recommend me to people I already know, as I’m more likely to make time for them then. Others, let me know so I can check them out first. In business we can’t always be choosy; in life we CAN ;-)”
Them: “Refreshing attitude, but I respect and admire it. Let’s see how [they] gets on with the Coach I’ve already suggested. But if I do recommend you to anyone else… No other reason than I want the best for my friends.”
Me: I completely understand. It’s just… I can only commit so much time. Also I knew my coaching/mentoring would end up taking on a more intensive role. So I want to dedicate my time to serving you and the 4 other friends/clients as well.”

Yes I have a big capacity and energy to take on more – but I have finite time and focus.

I have a permanent position working for one of the best property investment educators in the UK, Simon Zutshi. This takes up most of my time.
I’m also that good and efficient that I can support my team, get stuff done well and quickly, whilst still having energy to spare.
I just wanted some variety and to help some of my friends out at the same time, who may be currently blocking their BIGGER success, that is long overdue to them and they deserve! I have made the coaching/mentoring relationship clear as well – I’m not there to be their fun ‘friend’ on sessions.

–  I’ve also learned to say NO, sometimes you just can’t help everyone. Be polite and refer them elsewhere. You may not get along with them or be able to get excited about their projects. There’s nothing wrong with that, you can’t please all of the people all of the time – I’ve learned that lesson by trying to! Some would call it a fail, the enlightened ones would call it a ‘learning opportunity’. Know when to quit and not repeat actions that don’t serve you or the other person.

—————-
So what’s the key to success and getting more clients? 
You don’t need more, you just need ONE (another one).
—————-

Here are the “Real simple secrets to getting coaching clients that experts don’t tell you”

So the process is simple:
–  Do good work, be a good person, be honest, put value out into the Universe all the time without an expectation of return.
–  Define your ideal client.
–  Put the offer to people you already know.
–  I then have a simple form for them to fill in and a small token payment to review their business plan.
(As they’re friends I’d do it for free (for love) for them anyway, I just want them to value it as well. The payment creates that energy exchange of value.)
–  On the first session, give them all the info and ideas you can think of and can come up with.
–  Be clear on your ‘value’ and ‘terms’ to continue – make it mutually beneficial so it’s simple for them to decide.

Oh I remember why I wrote this post now. I was driving back from the gym and has another great idea for one of my clients/friends.
By taking on fewer clients, you can concentrate your energy and thought processes. The ideas start to cross-pollinate.
You will come up with great ideas specific to the person you are thinking about at the time.
You can create a bigger and more specific change for fewer people, than if you tried to for many people. It pays to be focused with your time and energy.

Finally, why did people agree to let me help them. Well that’s simple too!
People said YES “Because I’m Bobby Gill” (spoken in a “I’m Batman” voice, which you did anyway after seeing the logo!)

Your friends and associates will say Yes to you – because you’re uniquely YOU.
Fill in the blank with your name and say it out loud:
“Because I’m ____________”

The Rules for helping people are also simple:
–  Put your energy into helping one person at a time.
–  Add value to their life (and it will add value to yours and everyone else’s too!)
–  [repeat]

If you enjoyed this article (inane rambling), please leave a comment and share it.
If you don’t want to, that’s OK as well, I still love you :-)

Your friend,
Bobby Gill